| Ok, so this is the first chance I've had to post on my LJ since Wed, and I have a bit of information to share that I wish to share to y'all. Some of you will judge me, some of you will be happy for me. But whatever.
Wed night I lost my virginity. And for those of you know know me, yes, it was with someone I care about. It was with my ex, Lisa, with whom I've stayed very close friends with since we broke up three years ago, and we decided to be each other's firsts. Now, I just need to get a bit more experience, and be able to rock somebody's, or a group of somebody's, world.
And that's my story. | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment   |
| I'm going to leave this open to all users and viewers, a glimpse into my soul that all, not just my LJ friends, must see to rightly judge my character.
Today, August 8th, 2005, marks the two year anniversary of the worst decision of my life, which lead into the worst loss of my life, and the worst 8 months of my life. Two years ago today, I betrayed the trust of the only woman that I ever was in love with. At the beginning of our relationship, which started in June of 2003, I informed an AMAZING 16 year old girl that I met at a Finch concert (which I WON tickets to, and took someone that I didn't think I would go to a concert with) that I had been a pot smoker, but had quit. Now, this very amazing girl has wits about her that I have never seen in a woman. And I fell in love with it. She has a personality of no one else. She had had some problems in the past with guys she was seeing and who were on drugs, and also with her brother. So she had promised herself that she would never date a guy who was doing drugs while they were dating. Well, one day when I was at work, at Burger King, closing store as I randomly did at 17, my manager asked me if I wanted to come outside for a smoke. Being that it was a very stressful situation, I took up the offer, thinking it was for a cigarette. To my surprise, it was indeed for marijuana. It took a little while of sitting with her and smoking a cigarette for me to crave for the pot. So I took a considerable amount of hits, and had the worst high of my life.
A few days later, feeling that I had completely betrayed the only woman I ever loved, and could not lie to her, thus not being able to keep from her what I had done, I told her, and told her that I was deeply ashamed and sorry and would never smoke again. We split up for a few days, and then got back together, but a week later she decided that she could not deny her promise to herself, and we broke up. Because of that, I went into an eight month depression, which also included six months of not cursing, and listening to strictly Christian music, trying to find the forgiveness that I so desperately needed. After six months I slowly started listening to secular music again, through friends and listening in the car. A song that seemed to haunt me every time I listened was "Reason" by Hoobastank. And many of you know that Reason is about changing who you are for a person that you care deeply about. Well, I felt that this song fit my situation extremely well, and I let myself listen to more and more secular music. Now, I am a full blown Metal Head, listening to music that would disgust many Christians, but I also still hold onto my Christian roots. Now, before I go into a religious rant, I want you all to know the reason that I posted this. Other than the fact that two years ago I performed an act that lead into a great change of who I was, I must also state that this woman, Katie Delmege, my first love, is leaving for college in ten days. The college she is attending is in Florida, and she has stated that once she leaves, New York State will never be her home again. It is very likely that I will not see this person again, a person who changed my life so much, who has stayed friends with me two years after betraying her, letting her down, and failing her as a boyfriend. A friend that I have spent many night crying in bed wishing I could have her back, that she could know how deeply sorry I really was. A year ago I wrote her an extremely long letter informing her of how sorry I had been, and how grateful I was that I could know her, and use her as a stepping stone into changing my life. She was in Kenya on a mission trip at the time, so I took the letter to her house and talked with her mother, whom I had not seen since the week that Katie and I broke up, and told her how great of a person her daughter was, and that I would love her for the rest of my life, and that she had changed me so much.
Tonight, I am going to hang out with Katie for possibly the last time ever, and I honestly don't know how I am going to react when I see her get out of my car and walk up her driveway, and possibly walk out of my life forever, besides talking online. There is a lot in my life right now that I again need to change two days later, and I am again going to use her, and the events that occured two years ago, and afterward, as a stepping stone to change myself for the better. I will always love Katie Delmege, and I know she knows this. I just pray to my Loving God that she will remain in my life as a becon of light and love. And maybe, just maybe, we can spend life together, maybe not as a couple, but as extremely close friends. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
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| This is totally in my room now :D
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